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Should we explain to him or not?

My son, Julian is four years old. Here lately we have been having issues with him fighting us when it is time to put his shoes on. We were thinking about explaining to Julian why he needs to have his shoes on but we have different ideas....

My husband feels that we should wait and not have a sit down talk with him trying to explain why or how he is different until the time comes that someone says something to him. He wants to keep that innocence that he has for as long as possible.

As much as I want to keep that innocence for him too, I feel that we should explain and continue explaining why he needs to wear his shoes. I know that he will forget and we will have to explain again and again.

We both want to make sure that Julian grows up understanding that he can do anything that the other kids can do and that he isn't any different really from anyone else without using words such as "handicapped" or "physically challenged" or anything else that might effect how he thinks of himself.

Right now he is just a goofy four year old but he will be starting school soon and kids can be cruel.

If anyone has any ideas or suggestions or experience I would appreciate advice.
Thank you,
Emily Guerra

Hello Emily,

We have a 4-yr old daughter with PFFD on her right leg. She wears a shoe lift and will be undergoing limb lenghtening in the near future. She attends preschool, so she has already dealt with the questions about her shoe and being different. We have always talked to her condition openly, as we feel it's important for her to understand her condition and know that people would ask quetsions. She knows that one of her legs is shorter than the other, and that's how she explains it when her friends at school ask questions. While the kids are curious, they quickly accept her answer and move on. When we go to the Dr, we show her the x-rays and try to explain in simple terms what's going on. A few months ago, she asked me not to have her shoes modified since she wanted to be like the other kids. We complied, and allowed her to wear the "regular" shoes for a day. She immediatley realized that she could walk better with the shoe lift and asked me to get her shoe" fixed" right away. For us, we believe that knowing and understanding her condition will empower her to know that while a shorter leg is part of her, it does not defines who she is and what she can do. She is a very happy little girl and amazes us every day with how well she handles her condition. I also highly recommend the book "Imagine..Amazing Me" written by one of the moms on this board. It is a great resource for showing kids how they are capable of anything - my daughter loves looking at the pcitures in this book!

As someone with PFFD, my recommendation would be to talk with him about it. I don't think you want his first realization of his difference to be a negative one.

While those of us with disabilities are like everyone else in lots of ways, we often do look physically different (some of us more than others). I think pretending that difference doesn't exist does more harm than good to a child's sense of self.

Just my opinion :)

We now have a 7 year old and from the very beginning we explained to her that everyone is different in some way or the other. Some have their issues on the inside. (e.g. are always mean, can't learn, etc. ) We have been very open about her PFFD and we also did many "role playing" games where we would pretend to be a kid who was rude or had questions, etc. We also were very straightforward with her friends. Kids can be cruel, but they try to pick on items that are sensitive to you. If its a non-issue to your kid then they have no traction. Since we were open both with our daughter as well her friends and classmates it became a non-issue and after a while her friends actually forgot she had a lift. There were a few cute moments where some of her 4-6 year-old fiends said something like "oh right - I forgot"

We were very happy with the results of the open approach.

Like some of the other comments we explained to our daughter right away, simply stating that this was her short leg and she was born like that. Most kids will look at it, ask why she is wearing a brace and when we say her one leg is shorter and she was born like that they seem to say 'OK' and run off playing. I also find using 'Finding Nemo' as an example helps.

From the beginning, we explained to Nicholas that his left leg is shorter than his right, and that it grows slower. I highly encourage you to say something right away, talk calmly and as if you were talking about why a child's eye color or skin color is different than another child's. It has worked for us, and like the other parent says when kids ask, it is out of curiosity. A simple "my left leg is shorter than my right, and the shoe makes up the difference" seems to suffice. I read something early on about not hiding a child with physical disabilities, and treating them as normally as possible. We have done that and Nicholas seems to be well adjusted.